


Because in the morning, as if nothing happened, you’ll wake up

by diresay



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Disability, M/M, Mute Jongdae, Romance, Slice of Life, Superstar Baekhyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 09:37:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15749058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diresay/pseuds/diresay
Summary: Jongdae doesn’t know what his voice was supposed to sound like. However, he does know his soulmate’s voice as if it were his own. [Prompt #30]





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Dear prompter, thank you so, so much for writing such a great prompt! When I saw it, I really wanted someone to choose it. After a few days, I just went “fine! I’ll do it!”. I hope I did this prompt justice and that you will enjoy the story. Also, a big THANK YOU to the mods for hosting such a great fest!
> 
> Disclaimer: I used the International age system here not the Korean one even if the story is set in South Korea. Title is from EXO’s “She’s dreaming” written by our Jongdae (I know most of you know it already but I still wanted to make it clear)

***

 _I’m still too young to date._ The Celebrity, May 2007

_I have a 5-year dating ban._ OH! Gossip, December 2007

 

 _For now, there are only my fans in my heart! And my family of course. And my puppy._ E-news, February 2008

_I really want to meet my soulmate. I know not everyone has a soulmate but I can feel I do._ OH! Gossip, May 2008

 

 _There are a lot of noonas I find pretty but I’m too shy to talk to them._ ELLE, June 2009

_Yes, I believe I have a soulmate. I want to wait for them._ Seoulmate.co.kr, September 2009

_Hmm, if really I can’t hear my soulmate once I turn 19? You mean, what I would do if I don’t actually have a soulmate? I don’t know, I never really thought about that. I just know I have one._ Kiss the Radio, February 2010

***

 

Kim Jongdae heard his soulmate’s voice in real life for the first time a few months after his 15th birthday.

 

He was watching an end-of-year TV show with his mother. He didn’t particularly like these types of shows but enjoyed spending time with her nonetheless. The MC was introducing this newcomer who was one of the youngest to ever debut as a soloist. The teen singer was _bound to take over the pop industry… only 15… extremely talented_ … _angel-like_ … _very mature_ … Jongdae was only listening with one ear when the artist finally started his piece.

 

**That voice. I know this voice.**

 

The emotion, the tone, the texture, the intonation, the warmth, the richness of this voice… he knew them all too well. It was a voice that had belonged to him only until that very instant.

 

Jongdae could barely understand what the voice was singing about. His ears were ringing. His mind was buzzing. His heartbeat was accelerating.

 

His mother didn’t realize how shattering this moment was to him. He never told her about his dreams. He never told anyone. He never _thought_ there was anything to say about them.

 

**It doesn’t make sense.**

 

He had always believed that the voice he could hear so often in his dreams was his. Or rather, how his voice would have sounded like had he not have vocal cords surgery when he was only a baby. To Jongdae, it made sense that the voice that had been with him for as long as he could remember was _his_.

 

Maybe he should have questioned this belief sooner.

 

It was indeed weird that his dream self appeared to have a life slightly different from his. Just like him, Dream Jongdae had an annoying but caring big brother, liked eating, enjoyed listening to music, was cheerful and was a Mama’s boy. Yet, Dream Jongdae ranted a lot about his hate for cucumbers whereas Jongdae had no trouble eating them. He had frequent nightmares about getting hurt at Hapkido when Jongdae had never heard about the martial art before. Dream Jongdae’s life goal was to be a professional singer when Jongdae was still trying to figure out what to do with his life. Plus, why would he dream of being a singer when he could not utter a single word, let alone sing?

 

Despite the little inaccuracies, Jongdae had never thought much of those recurring dreams that he could remember so clearly in the morning. His unconscious self wasn’t exactly like him, so be it. Weren’t dreams supposed to be weird anyway?

 

Thus, that night of December 2007 made him question everything he had always thought about himself.

 

That night, Baekhyun officially entered his world.

 

*

 

Jongdae’s curiosity was awakened. _Obsession_ may actually be a more accurate word.

 

He couldn’t quite understand why or even how he had been able to dream about this guy’s voice since he was only a toddler. He didn’t know if it was only a coincidence or some kind of fate. He only knew that he had to know more about him.

 

What his full name was – Byun Baekhyun, stage name Baekhyun

When he was born – May 6th 1992, in Bucheon

When he debuted – in April 2007, one month before turning 15

How long he trained – less than a year, youngest idol to debut with such a short training

What he liked – singing, his fans, puppies, pizza, video games, Hapkido, piano, food

What he hated – cucumbers, dieting, his fans getting hurt

Who his favorite singers were – Rain, Super Junior…every singer from his company

His dreams – win a Daesang, have a solo concert, take parts in musicals and dramas

 

In only a matter of days, Jongdae had listened to Baekhyun’s first album on repeat, watched all of his performances and variety show appearances, read all of his interviews, registered in fan cafés and forums, started following fan sites and gossip magazines.

 

The more he discovered about Baekhyun, the more Jongdae realized how similar the singer was to Dream Jongdae. As a result, _Dream Jongdae_ ceased to exist to be replaced by _Baekhyun_. There were too many coincidences for it to just be an accidental happening. This was also a matter of gut feeling. Baekhyun’s voice was not only familiar to Jongdae, it was quite literally part of him. Hearing it being spoken felt like speaking himself. Jongdae secretly cherished this sensation, especially since he had been confined to silence all his life.

 

He was actually not only attached to that voice, Baekhyun’s whole personality resonated in Jongdae. The way he liked making people laugh, the way he really cared about people around him, the way he always tried his best, the way he loved teasing others, the way he was so unafraid of tackling new challenges… It didn’t take long for Jongdae to truly admire and feel inspired by the other boy.

 

In the same way, it didn’t take long for Jongdae’s infatuation to begin. He didn’t acknowledge it at first. He was not one of these fans who were taking their dreams for reality. Yes, Baekhyun’s smile was blinding. His manners adorable. His laugh contagious. His eyes piercing…the list of attractive features was lengthy. But Jongdae would still not admit that he was smitten with the boy. Not at this point of time at least.

 

**Admiration, that is what it is.**

 

Jongdae was indeed a little (read: a lot) wary of this predicament. It was not something he went out of his way to advertize. And, when his parents noticed he was spending quite some time on the family computer, he assured that he was doing some school work. He didn’t want to reveal that he had unknowingly been spying on another boy’s deepest thoughts for most of their young lives. He also didn’t want to disclose that he was now tracking said guy’s famous whereabouts. Mentioning sweet feelings was not even considered.

 

*

 

Jongdae didn’t link his dreams to the soulmate phenomenon right away. That was a step further he had unconsciously refused to take. Connecting his vocal dreams to Baekhyun had been a first step that he took without too much hesitation. It was facts. Jongdae couldn’t have known so many details about Baekhyun’s background even before the boy became a trainee.

 

The epiphany occurred a few days after Baekhyun’s birthday. As per usual, Jongdae was dissecting the web for new information. And that, he did find: the singer had given an interview to a gossip magazine in celebration of his 16th birthday. For the first time, Baekhyun talked about his strong belief that he had a soulmate.

 

A thought that could not be erased crossed Jongdae’s mind.

 

**It may be me.**

 

Jongdae had tried right away to repress that thought. He didn’t want to be one of these fans. He didn’t want to be one of these fans who took their dreams for reality. Jongdae was pragmatic. He was definitely not the kind to fantasize about the impossible. Dating an idol fell into that category. Imagining that he was an idol’s ideal mate fell into that category.

 

Yet, he had to admit that this theory made more sense than any theory he could have come up with. He had not tried very hard to understand this ability of his. Was he a psychic? Was he crazy? Was Baekhyun a psychic? No. The soulmate explanation was the most conceivable. At least, it confirmed that he was not crazy. At worst, it meant that he was delusional. At best, it explained why the recurring voice-dreams were featuring this one person only.

 

Because, hearing your soulmate’s voice while you dreamed was the foundation of the soulmate experience. Jongdae didn’t know the specifics. He never really cared about them. He only knew the basics: most people were looking forward to being of age so they could finally hear their soulmate’s voice in their dreams. That was the pattern for more than half of the world population.

 

You become of age. You get the ability to hear your soulmate’s voice in your dreams. A game of hide-and-seek follows. If you’re lucky, that special someone will be from the same continent/country/town/street as you. If not, you go look for them with your dreams as guide. You find them. You meet them. You fall in love with them. You live happily ever after.

 

**He may be my soulmate.**

 

Jongdae had heard about soulmates before but he never bet on having one of these himself. To him, it was a little like fairy tales, especially since most of the people around him were soulmate-free. His parents were both soulmate-free. So did his brother and his paternal grandparents. They were among that other half of the world population that was born without a soulmate (or whose soulmate had died before they reached their 19th birthday). Still, his parents were enjoying a very happy married life. Jongdae was never under the impression that he needed a soulmate to be happy. It could be nice to have that kind of bond with that one individual. But not having it was okay too. You just had to find that special someone on your own – with no rules to follow. Or you could also decide you didn’t need such a person in your life. Jongdae wasn’t picky.

 

Surely, he had been in denial for not considering sooner that he was not dreaming about just any guy. That could also explain why such unspeakable feelings had grown so easily.

 

**Then is it okay if I like you?**

 

There was just a tiny, little problem with this hypothesis. Jongdae was not 19. And he certainly had not been when he started dreaming about Baekhyun.

 

*

 

A new cycle of Internet researches ensued. This time, Jongdae became obsessed with everything related to soulmates and where to find them. The teenager had never realized how passionate the world was about this. He found so much contradictory information on the subject that he didn’t know anymore what to believe.

 

In the end, he settled on a few findings that seemed consistent throughout all his readings.

 

>You can hear your soulmate’s voice in your dreams when you turn 19, either the night before or after your birthday. You can only hear your soulmate’s voice when both of you are asleep. If when you turn 19, your soulmate isn’t yet, you won’t be able to hear their voice clearly until they also turn 19.

 

>After your 19th birthday, you can hear your soulmate’s voice in your dreams for as long as the two of you are alive. There is no expire date for soulmate’s dreams.

 

>Soulmates can be platonic. It is not as common but it does occur.

 

>A soulmate’s voice-dream can manifest in different ways or forms but it will usually be constituted of your soulmate’s actual voice at the time of the dream. It is generally a voice over blurred images but it can also be a whisper, a yell, a singing voice… Such dreams are never accompanied by definite images and can last from a few seconds to several minutes.

 

>A soulmate bond is supposed to help you find your other half. It also enables a deeper understanding and connection between two individuals. Break-ups between soulmates are almost unheard of.

 

>Although very unusual, it is possible for a soulmate bond to include more than two persons. There are also a few cases worldwide of one-sided soulmate dreams.

 

>The only way to know if a dream is soulmate related or not is to try to recall it a few days after it happens. You can’t forget a soulmate dream.

 

>It is possible to hear your soulmate’s voice years before or after turning 19 but such cases are extremely rare. There is no explanation as to why they occur. Some have assumed it might happen after a traumatic experience, as a coping mechanism.

 

Jongdae wondered if being reduced to silence as a baby would qualify as a traumatic experience.

 

His mother had always told him that he had been a very calm baby, contrary to his reckless big brother. Jongdae had been 14 months old when he was diagnosed with larynges cancer. He was too young at the time to remember any of it. As far as he was concerned, he had always been unable to talk. His parents had a hard time talking about that time of their lives. He only knew what his brother had told him. Jongdeok had only been 7 then but still remembered how brutal and long his baby brother’s treatment had been. From what Jongdae understood, it was serious enough for him to have both Chemo treatment and radiotherapy, which ended up being ineffective, before having the surgery that saved his life but left him silent forever.

 

Had he needed to hear Baekhyun to help him overcome the surgery and its consequences? Jongdae wished he could recall even a little about it. He didn’t know if he had been hearing Baekhyun from birth or only since his surgery. But it would make more sense that it happened after the surgery.

 

**Is it really because I became mute? Is it why I got to hear my soulmate so young? So that, even as a toddler, I knew I was not alone? That there will always be someone who can understand me without me having to talk?**

 

The researches had solidified Jongdae’s belief in soulmate. They clarified a lot of his wonderings. A few questions still remained unanswered. For instance, was his soulmate able to dream about him too or was this thing just one-sided?

 

**Can you hear me?**

 

If you dreamed of your soulmate’s actual voice, then, didn’t that mean Baekhyun’s dreams would be silent, just like Jongdae? If that was the case, how would Baekhyun know that Jongdae was his soulmate? How was Jongdae supposed to _tell_ him? Should he write a letter? Should he try to meet him in person?

 

*

 

By his 18th birthday, almost three years after discovering Baekhyun, Jongdae had mostly accepted his soulmate bond. Accordingly, his secret watch over the singer continued. And what a watch it turned out to be as rookie Baekhyun became superstar Baekhyun: an ambitious teenager who was set on being the best at everything he put his mind on.

 

Jongdae had still not found a solution to his voiceless problem. That was also why he had never tried to contact or see Baekhyun face to face. He couldn’t do that. Not until he figured out a way to reveal the truth to the older. And, in a more practical way, not until he could earn his own money to go to fan meetings.

 

In the end, Jongdae was diligently waiting for the day the idol would feel that bond too. Waiting for a sign from him. Even though Baekhyun would not be able to hear him, Jongdae had the strong conviction that Baekhyun would know. If they were meant to be, they would find a way around his lack of speech.

 

As a child, Jongdae had never particularly believed in soulmates, nor was he particularly fond of idols. As an 18-year-old, not only was Jongdae convinced that he had a soulmate, he also had already started developing feelings for said soulmate.

 

**I have a soulmate.**

 

And, it was not too bad. It was okay because it was Baekhyun. Baekhyun who he had quite literally grew up with. It was familiar territory. He had no reasons to be afraid.

 

**Baekhyun is my soulmate.**


	2. Part II

 

***

 _I’m a really boring person. When I get to be with my soulmate, I want to watch movies together. Listen to music. Eat yummy stuff. Like pizza! Play video games. Talk, you know I talk a lot, right? And sing too obviously. I want to sing to them and play the piano while they sing to me._ Channel the Light TV, October 2010

 

 _I don’t care if my soulmate is a girl or a boy, as long as they are the one for me._ High cut, January 2011

_Such a difficult question! If it’s a boy, Heechul! He would make the funniest soulmate ever! And if it’s a girl, maybe someone like you? Ha ha! No, I know both of you already have someone and I’m happy for you. I will just wait for my own soulmate._ Yoo In Na Volume Up, March 2011

_In one month! I’m really looking forward to it. But don’t worry Aeries, even with a soulmate, I will always love you! You will always be in my heart. You are my light!_ Debut anniversary concert, April 2011

_Oh no, don’t ask me. I’m so nervous. What if I really don’t have a soulmate? I think I won’t be able to sleep for the next 4 days till my birthday._ Radio Star, May 2011

 

 _I’m so happy! I do have a soulmate! And it is a…he! I could hear him singing. It was from afar though. I guess he is younger than me. His voice seemed so beautiful. I could not hear it clearly but it was stunning._ Press conference, May 2011

***

 

That afternoon of May 6th, 2011, Jongdae’s dream came crashing.

 

**It hurts.**

 

He had always thought that he was different from delusional fans.

 

**It hurts.**

 

He had always thought that his feelings for Byun Baekhyun had started gradually and were genuine, based on his real personality instead of his image as an idol.

 

**It hurts.**

 

He had always thought that he just needed to wait for Baekhyun to dream of him too for everything to fall into place.

 

**It hurts.**

 

Maybe he should have known this wouldn’t end well. If it was very rare for a person to hear their soulmate so young, he should have known he would be in the equally rare case of having a one-sided soulmate bond.

 

How did he let himself believe in this when he wasn’t raised on fairy tales and soulmate faith?

 

**It hurts.**

Why did he let himself believe in this?

 

Jongdae had never felt so isolated in his life. This feeling of deep inadequacy, he didn’t know what to do with it. He had never felt worthless with his difference but he had to wait for this day to feel like he didn’t belong.

 

And yet, yet, despite everything, he still had the conviction that Byun Baekhyun was his soulmate. The thing is, Jongdae was apparently not good enough to be his.

 

He should not have assumed their soulmate’s bond was mutual. Obviously, something had gone wrong on Jongdae’s part of the deal.  

He should have never spent so much time and energy on following whatever the idol did. Best way to feed on his delusion!

He should have never taken seriously whatever the singer would say about wanting to meet his soulmate.

And, lastly, he should have never, ever believed he was Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate.

 

Byun Baekhyun had a soulmate. A soulmate with a beautiful voice. Jongdae had no voice. Jongdae was not Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate.

 

 **I am not Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate**.

 

 _“I had an odd dream last time. It was a soulmate dream but I couldn’t hear a voice. So I reckon this person is mute. It’s okay. Now I know my soulmate is out there, waiting for me”_. This was what Baekhyun should have said during that press conference. Then, Jongdae would have gone to a fan meeting. They would have looked into each other’s eyes. They would have known right away they were made for each other.

 

Jongdae laughed, soundless and self-mocking. He did dream it would turn out this way. As much as he had tried to figure out a rational way to let Byun Baekhyun know about their bond, Jongdae had started to believe they would just meet each other and things would click. It was a good thing he had not actively tried to see the singer. He would have felt even more disappointed, ashamed and isolated with Byun Baekhyun in front of him, looking at him as if they were strangers. As if they were not soulmates.

 

**We are not though.**

 

_You are so stupid, Kim Jongdae._ **So stupid. Just stop dreaming now. It’s time to wake up.**

 

*

 

You would think that after investing so much on Byun Baekhyun, Jongdae would have been unable to let go. After spending three years and a half thinking only about Byun Baekhyun. After reluctantly, at first, falling for him.  After convincing himself that they were soulmates. No, this would mean not knowing Jongdae and his mental strength. From defending himself, and even others sometimes, from bullies to finding ways around his disability, to overcoming his natural shyness… Jongdae’s ability to face whatever life threw at him had always been remarkable. Yes, he was no Byun Baekhyun and his resourceful, ambitious mind but he was Kim Jongdae and his resilient, stubborn will.

 

This force partly came from his parents. They had taught him that he had to be strong. They didn’t hesitate to take on sign language as soon as they had learnt their son would never talk. They didn’t hesitate to save money for years and move to Seoul so their son could attend a School for the Deaf and Mute. They had always supported him and his brother, whatever their crazy projects were.

 

Thinking about them, Jongdae felt even more compelled to rise above this setback. He didn’t have a soulmate – or rather, he wasn’t his soulmate’s other half? So be it, he didn’t need a soulmate to be happy. He had obsessed over an idol for a few years? So be it, at least now he wouldn’t waste time anymore.

 

He could just forget everything now. He could erase everything. He could pretend he had not wasted that much time. His life was not over. It was actually only beginning.

 

Jongdae went from knowing everything about Byun Baekhyun to avoiding everything related to the idol and his lifestyle. He threw away all his notebooks filled with information about that person or the content of his voice-dreams. He tore the lyrics he had started to write when he learnt the singer wanted to sing with his soulmate. Jongdae had naively believed writing lyrics Byun Baekhyun could sing would bring them closer. He even burned that one notebook solely dedicated to the singer’s intake on love, dating and soulmates. He wiped out his computer from every songs, pictures and videos about Byun Baekhyun. He unsubscribed from all the forums about the artist. He deleted all the Internet aliases he had. He gave away his CDs and the posters he had never hung.

 

From May 6th to May 7th, in just twenty-four hours, Byun Baekhyun had disappeared from his everyday life.

 

*

 

Starting a new life that didn’t rely on his obsession with Byun Baekhyun wasn’t that easy. Jongdae had to find new occupations to fill in the time he used to spend on him.

 

The fact that his parents had moved back to Siheung just a few months earlier didn’t help. Since both of their sons were now old enough to attend University and work respectively, they had moved back to their original home. Therefore, Jongdae was now living alone in a one-room flat. Jongdeok had already been living with his girlfriend for a while. Jongdae had been so thrilled about living alone at first. He had always been overprotected – which he didn’t mind of course. He had initially been happy to be able to try things on his own. Not anymore. Not when it meant being alone, in a constant battle with his thoughts of Byun Baekhyun.

 

He could try to go out more. He just didn’t have that many opportunities. He had never enjoyed going out that much. Also, since he registered for an online course, he didn’t have to physically attend classes. Jongdae needed to find something else to do. Studying wasn’t enough to occupy his time.

 

He sent messages to his brother and some of his close friends from high school, asking if they knew of a job Jongdae could apply for. It was a little trickier to find a job with Jongdae’s condition but working would be the best way to focus on something else.

 

The rescue came in as an email from his brother. He knew of this student association from his former University that was hiring proof-readers. Jongdae had to pass some grammar tests and then, he would get thesis and essays to correct from his home. He would rather have a job that required him to go outside but this job was not a bad opportunity. He would get to do something, have a little salary that would lighten his parents’ financial burden and if he wanted, he could also work from a café or something.

 

Jongdae had always been pretty good in grammar and Korean in general. He loved reading and was a rather okay student. Getting the job wasn’t very hard, despite him not being of age yet.

 

Jongdae had been working with the student association for only a couple of days when another rescue message came his way. This time, it was from one of his favorite hyungs, Minseok.

 

They had met in high school. While Jongdae couldn’t utter a word, Minseok couldn’t hear any. That had not prevented them from forming a very close relationship, to the point where some actually thought they were a couple. Minseok was that shy but caring friend who you could always turn to if you needed. Jongdae thought about confiding in him but decided against it in the end. He didn’t want to think about this anymore. Also, he didn’t know what Minseok’s take on soulmates was. They had never talked about it. Jongdae assumed that Minseok didn’t have a soulmate since the older was single and so focused on his studies only.

 

Minseok let him know that their former high school needed volunteers for the afterschool clubs, especially the ones on sign language. A lot of students would get transferred in the middle of a school year when their parents could afford the tuition – that had been Jongdae’s case for example. Often, these students didn’t know much sign language or only knew the basics. Following an entire lesson provided in sign language wasn’t easy when you didn’t know the specific signs for mathematical formulas or economic terms or cities. Afterschool clubs had hence been launched to help new students and those who had a harder time adapting to the learning system. 

 

Jongdae and Minseok had met that way. As a senior, Minseok was volunteering a lot in the club activities and had become Jongdae’s mentor. Jongdae liked the idea of being a mentor to someone else the same way Minseok had been to him. He wouldn’t get paid but this was exactly what he was looking for. An occupation that would make him feel useful and needed.

 

***

_I want to dream about my soulmate. I want to dream about my soulmate. Please, let me dream about my soulmate. I have a soulmate. I know I do._

**May 6 th, 2011 04:16**

_I’m so happy that you exist._

**May 9 th, 2011 04:16**

 

_I don’t think you are an idol. Your voice is so outstanding. Even though I can’t listen to it properly yet, I can tell I’ve never heard it before. I would remember such a beautiful voice. It’s too bad I have to wait for you to turn 19 before I can dream of this voice for real. It’s okay though, I will wait for you._

**May 10 th, 2011 03:44**

 

_Where are you from? What do you look like? Do you like a pop star named Byun Baekhyun?_

**May 11 th, 2011 02:01**

 

_The song you sang two days ago was Imagine, right? I want you to turn 19 so bad. It is a shame that I can’t hear such a beautiful voice clearly. It is also a shame that you can’t hear me yet. What will I do in your dreams? Will I sing too?_

**May 13 th, 2011 04:39**

 

_I can’t wait for the day I will get to meet you!_

**May 14 th, 2011 05:20**

 

_Drunken Truth this time, right? You really have good taste in music! When are you going to sing one of my songs?_

**May 15 th, 2011 02:57**

 

_I’m happy we share the same passion. 10CM is also one of my favorite acts. Hearing you sing is the highlight of my days. I love it! But I do wonder why you only sing in my dreams… Should I wait for your 19 th birthday to hear you talk?_

**May 16 th, 2011 06:46**

 

_Chanyeol is so stupid sometimes. I wonder why we are still friends! You should have seen his face today! So funny!_

**May 17 th, 2011 02:13**

 

_I’m sorry. It seems we can’t meet often lately. I don’t get to sleep a lot because of all the preparations and when I do, it’s not at night time so I keep on missing you._

**May 22 nd, 2011 01:12**

_You’re Korean, right? Of course you are! You mostly sing Korean songs and it seems we’re in the same time zone._

**May 25 th, 2011 04:38**

_I’m on a diet again. Damn! I have to suffer for this summer comeback. Ha, I’m crying…my hamburgers, my pizzas, my noodles…_

**May 27 th, 2011 03:29**

***

 

There was something Jongdae could not delete the same way he did with his aliases, pictures or songs. There was something that had been ingrained in him from a young age. So much so that it was part of him.

 

He could not delete his dreams. He learned that the hard way.

 

Indeed, even when he was not actively looking for Byun Baekhyun in his conscious life, it seemed like his dream life was even more filled with the boy. Now that the idol could somehow hear his soulmate, Jongdae would hear almost every night what the pop star was thinking about. Before, he would have soulmate-dreams a couple of times a week. They wouldn’t last long and would generally be about snippets of Byun Baekhyun’s everyday life.

 

It became different after the singer’s 19th birthday. In the voice sequences, Byun Baekhyun would talk to his soulmate. It wasn’t passing thoughts anymore. It was actual one-sided conservation. And it was killing Jongdae. Whatever Byun Baekhyun was saying in his dreams, it was not directed at him, Kim Jongdae. It was directed at Byun Baekhyun’s real soulmate who was too young to hear him yet. Jongdae was just the wrong receiver.

 

It was to the point where he was afraid to fall asleep.

 

Jongdae couldn’t do it anymore. He had heard that voice all his life. He had learned to appreciate it so much more once he realized who it belonged to. And now, here he was, dreading every night he would hear it, even despising it.

 

He just couldn’t do it. How could he forget everything about that person when he kept on hearing him whenever he went to bed?

 

Jongdae had always been proud of his ability to fall asleep easily. Since May 6th, all that had changed. Who would have known he would develop such strong insomnia? But it was the only way to keep the dreams at bay.

 

Also, he could afford to sleep during the day. Except for his volunteering job, two to three times a week, Jongdae really didn’t have much to do. Even though he didn’t like the prospect of spending all his time in his cramped apartment, he didn’t mind having an upside down lifestyle if it meant not being asleep when Byun Baekhyun was.

 

He could do this. He could avoid him.

 

**Please, stop invading my dreams.**


	3. Part III

 

***

_I had such a good day. You’re already bringing me luck. My manager said the sales of my CDs and merch have never been better. My, no, our fans are really supporting us._

**July 7 th, 2011 11:34**

_Last time, you read a poem. I think it was one. I couldn’t really make out the words. Anyway, I’m glad I could hear your talking voice. It’s so deep. I love it. But I’m sad because I don’t often get to hear you. It’s my fault. Having an idol’s schedule isn’t the best when you want to dream about your soulmate._

**July 25 th, 2011 08:14pm**

 

_I still wonder what I will do in your dreams. Let’s hope it’s not something embarrassing!_

**August 2 nd, 2011 09:55**

 

_I’ve always believed in soulmates. I always knew I had one. Even when my mother would tell me it wasn’t certain, I knew you existed. I can’t explain this feeling. I’m so happy you do exist._

**August 9 th, 2011 03:41pm**

_Promotions are finally over. I love promoting but trying to sleep on time is a mess. I know you can’t hear me yet but I still love listening to your songs and poems. Let’s hope I will hear them clearly soon. When are you turning 19, you little baby?_

**August 14 th, 2011 04:28pm**

_I thought that me finally sleeping at night would mean I will get to hear you more often. You have a life even more hectic than mine. Are you an idol after all? It feels like forever since I last dreamed about you. I can’t blame you, can I? You don’t know about me yet._

**August 29 th, 2011 02:19pm**

_I will be having a repackage album it seems. I’m so happy but a little worried too. I can barely hear you as it is, I can’t imagine how it will be when I go back to promoting._

**September 12 th, 2011 03:53**

_My puppy is the best. I’m going to miss him again while I promote._

**September 17 th, 2011 10:22**

_This ad was a lot of fun to shoot but so tiring_.

**October 11 th, 2011 01:26pm**

_When did it start? I’m so sorry! Apparently, you turned 19 not so long ago but I didn’t realize it. Stupid schedule! It has to be this month though...or last month? I woke up a few days ago only to realize I dreamed of a clear voice. I wanted to know your date of birth but I can’t be sure now since I don’t hear you every night. Well, at least I know we were born in the same year. We’re same-age friends already! And…and…as I thought, you have the most beautiful voice I had the pleasure to listen to. Can you hear me now too? Am I singing too?_

**October 14 th, 2011 03:29**

*******

Jongdae was 19 years old. More and more people were asking him if he had dreamed about his soulmate. It started with his parents who had come all the way to Seoul to spend time with him, then his brother, the middle-aged lady at the supermarket, some of the students from the club, a few childhood friends… even Minseok had asked him.

 

At each and every single one of them, Jongdae would shake his head. No. He didn’t dream of his soulmate. It wasn’t an outright lie. On September 21st, he indeed didn’t dream of anyone. He didn’t dream at all, staying awake at night in his bed for almost 3 nights.

 

Jongdae was dreaming less and less about Byun Baekhyun. His hectic sleeping pattern was successful. He didn’t think about him that much either. Lately, it would happen only when he woke up from a voice-dream or if one of his songs was playing in stores.

 

Jongdae was relieved.

 

However, sometimes, his resolve would weaken. He would start asking himself the wrong questions again. For instance, why did Byun Baekhyun have a hard time hearing his soulmate precisely when Jongdae had stopped sleeping at night? It made sense that Jongdae wouldn’t dream about the singer since he was avoiding him. But Byun Baekhyun should have still been able to hear his own soulmate at night. Except if Jongdae was indeed Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate…

 

**No. No. No. You are not his soulmate.**

 

Byun Baekhyun’s real soulmate might have changed country or might be very busy or… Jongdae didn’t know but there must have been a really good explanation as to why Byun Baekhyun and his soulmate didn’t share the same sleeping pattern anymore, just like Byun Baekhyun and Jongdae.

 

Also, when he learned that Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate had turned 19 between mid-September and mid-October, Jongdae did wonder if it might be him after all. Naturally, that thought was quickly squashed.

 

*

 

At any rate, Jongdae had more important matters to worry about. His studies, his proof-reading job, his volunteering work and hanging out with his friends. He had a lot of occupations now. He was coming out of his shell. It had at first started as a way to stop thinking about Byun Baekhyun but now, he was really enjoying this new life. Jongdae had never been a hermit but he did like staying home with his family, interacting with only these few close friends and traveling through reading books or listening to music.

 

Now, he was appreciating the benefits of connecting with others. He genuinely liked how enriching it was. He wasn’t wary anymore about meeting new people. On the contrary. He used to be afraid of the look of pity in people eyes when they realized he couldn’t speak. Now, he didn’t mind it that much. He even found it amusing now and then. The first hand gestures he would do with hearing people were usually pointing at his ear and do a thumb up then pointing at his mouth and do a thumb down. If there were a doctorate for making up hand gestures that hearing people could understand, Jongdae would pass it with flying colors.

 

His involvement in the afterschool clubs was another big improvement. Lately, he was not only a tutor for the sign language club but also for the homework and drama clubs. He had even become a mentor and then a friend to some of the kids in the clubs. Because of that, Jongdae was at his former school almost every day for up to a few hours.

 

Jongdae really liked being with the teens. The age difference was not that important, a few years only. That may explain why he was getting along so well with them. Jongdae quickly became one of their favorite sunbaes. He would make them laugh. He would give them funny tips to help them memorize harder combinations of signs. He would have _singing_ sessions with them and competitions on who would get the most out of tune or who could mime a song the best. He would show them his infamous dancing skills. He would help them with their homework. He would go out with them sometimes, bowling and Karaoke being students’ favorite since Jongdae was so bad at both.

 

Jongdae wondered if he was being inspired by Byun Baekhyun.

 

For once, he didn’t try to repress that thought and let it run its course.

 

The musician was known for his outgoing personality and the way he had been challenging himself from a very young age. Jongdae couldn’t help but feel that he was becoming that way too. He wasn’t copying the singer per say. His personality may simply have been motivated to also do better from witnessing how a little boy had evolved to become a trainee, to debut as an idol and to eventually achieve a superstar status in only 4 years.

 

Jongdae was now finding the strength to follow his own path. He had always been a happy kid, kind and energetic. But he had also always lived in a little bubble, especially with how protective his family used to be. Jongdae had never questioned his place in the world. He knew he was different but he had never felt like he didn’t fit.

 

Yet, from the moment 15-year-old Jongdae realized he was Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate, he felt inadequate, not up-to-pair with the soon-to-be-superstar. That may explain why he had never actively tried to contact the singer when it would have been easier 4 years ago. Byun Baekhyun didn’t become the global celebrity that he was now in one night. Jongdae had had a good year and a half during which he could have easily met the guy at a fan sign or a music show. Jongdae would have just needed to ask his parents for help (and funds) to get to these types of events. His parents would have trusted him for sure, despite how crazy his early soulmate situation was. But Jongdae had made the choice to stay hidden.

 

Why? Because he didn’t feel like he could face Byun Baekhyun on an equal footing. This feeling grew stronger as the singer’s fan base expanded. Jongdae had been afraid he would not only disappoint the superstar (since Jongdae might not be the ideal soulmate) but also the thousands and thousands of fans who would love to be Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate.

 

It had indeed hurt to learn that he was not his soulmate after all but a part of Jongdae had immediately felt relieved too. Relief that he wouldn’t have to change all his life. Relief that he wouldn’t be judged by the nation because he was different. Relief that he didn’t have the responsibility to be someone’s soulmate anymore. Now that so many months had passed, Jongdae could finally admit that to himself. There had always been that one part of him that didn’t want to be anyone’s soulmate – even less someone like Byun Baekhyun. Being humiliated in front of one person was already hard. Being humiliated in front of billions was not an option.

 

And, now that he was relieved from this burden, now that he didn’t feel like he had to watch over a soulmate, Jongdae was feeling liberated. It was to the point where he could actually look at the singer from an outsider perspective and only see him for what he was: a very admirable person. Someone he could look up to and be inspired by.

 

**Perhaps my bond was one-sided so I could learn from you?**

Jongdae didn’t know for sure but for the first time in months, the thought of Byun Baekhyun didn’t bring him pain. This new perspective was an epiphany in itself to Jongdae.

 

Since the moment he had realized that Byun Baekhyun existed, Jongdae had repressed a lot of emotions – his growing affection mostly. For the first time, he understood that he had also repressed his feeling of inadequacy.

 

Jongdae was fine with being mute. He didn’t like the word _mute_ , favoring terms like _silent_ or _soundless_ but that didn’t mean he didn’t accept himself for who he was. He had always been okay with it. To him, being mute was not a disability. He didn’t see himself as defective, different at most but not wrong. However, interacting with mostly the same people who already knew about his condition and often had a similar one had lulled him in a sense of security. He did have some challenges when he was going alone to the supermarket or taking the train by himself. But that was it, little everyday life challenges he could get around without too much difficulty. The hardest thing that he had to suffer because of his inability to speak had been a lighter form of bullying. Kids from his first school, before he had moved to Seoul, had ostracized him. But, almost every night after school, his mom would tell him that he should not mind them: they just didn’t know how to communicate with him. Jongdae had still been able to make a couple of friends – people he was still acquainted with now.

 

Therefore, Jongdae was fine with being mute but he also had never been in a situation where he had to get to know a regular hearing person on his own. Someone he was bound to spend his life with. Getting to know that person with no one to help him or reassure him in the process.

 

Jongdae was finally coming to realize that he had been afraid to know Byun Baekhyun. He had been afraid to be his soulmate.

On May 6th, as he learned that he was really not his soulmate, Jongdae had felt devastated. That repressed feeling of inadequacy, these fears, they had come back to haunt him with a vengeance. And yet, very quickly, far too quickly, he fell back on his legs. It had not been easy but it had been far easier than one would have expected. Because, after Jongdae’s fears had become reality, relief had followed. These fears were unfounded. He didn’t have to worry about where he fitted in Byun Baekhyun’s world. He didn’t fit at all – which was not that bad actually. Which was actually pretty good.

 

**I guess it’s a good thing that I’m not his soulmate then… right?**

 

*

 

Something was different. Jongdae couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Something was missing.

 

He didn’t understand what until he stopped in front of an ad on his way home after a club session. It was a fan advertisement for Baekhyun’s 5th debut anniversary.

 

Jongdae quickly resumed walking. It had already been 10 months, since that disastrous press conference. He couldn’t believe it had been so long and how much his life had changed since then. Was the idol okay? He must be. Had Byun Baekhyun found his soulmate yet? Surely he had. But he had not talked about it in a while…. Byun Baekhyun had not talked about anything at all in a while actually.

 

With a start, Jongdae finally grasped that he had not dreamed about the idol at all since that day of October when he had learned that Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate had also turned 19. In October of last year, he still had a crazy sleeping pattern. But from the moment he started going to the afterschool club every day, Jongdae went back to sleeping most nights. That was 4 months ago. The school year had time to be over and a new one had time to begin, with Jongdae still participating daily in school events, often joined by Minseok. Shouldn’t Jongdae have been able to hear Byun Baekhyun at least once or twice a week with this normal sleeping pattern? But he didn’t… he hadn’t been for months now.

 

Was it because Byun Baekhyun now had a real bond with his soulmate?

 

The thought hurt Jongdae far less than he expected.

 

**So, this is really over now. No more soulmate dreams. No more Byun Baekhyun. Only Kim Jongdae.**


	4. Part IV

One year.

The next time Jongdae took the time to think about Byun Baekhyun, more than one year had passed.

 

Nothing in particular had triggered him. No dreams, no ad, no song.

 

Jongdae had been back from a club meeting – he was still volunteering at his former high school. He had swallowed some ramyun – his mother would scold him if she knew he was still eating them so regularly. He was in front of the brand new laptop he had bought with the money he had earned from his part-time jobs – he was still working with the students’ association.

 

Jongdae was even thinking about picking that as a career. He was majoring in accounting but he was not sure he wanted to be a fulltime accountant. He had opted for this major because it was one of the few he could take online. Plus, it didn’t require him to use speech.

 

But Jongdae’s state of mind as a 20-year-old young man that was going to be 21 in a few months was different now. Jongdae didn’t want to play it safe as much as he used to. He was still pursuing his accounting studies, but he also knew he may do something totally different with his life.

 

20-year-old Jongdae was challenging himself more than he would have ever thought. The epitome of this was his second part-time job at a café. No, it was not a café dedicated to the Deaf and Mute. It was your regular cake and coffee shop mainly visited by students. Jongdae used to work from Sum Café when he didn’t want to proof-read a 500-page thesis in his flat. With time, he started becoming friends with the waiters, especially Yixing, the Chinese exchange student who had a hard time speaking Korean. The two developed a unique way of interacting between Chinese, Korean, English, sign language, writing, drawing and pointing. Even though Yixing was bound to go back to his country, Jongdae knew their friendship would last.

 

Jongdae then became close friends with Sehun, the young waiter who didn’t like to talk because of his lisp. Sehun was convinced that Jongdae was his spirit animal. So, Jongdae would indulge him sometimes (read: often), playing kitten while Sehun petted his hair or cuddled with him. It was fine, Jongdae liked cuddling anyway and he could feel that Sehun needed them. Sehun was the kind of brat who had a quota of affection to receive each day or he would feel depressed.

 

Obviously, a lot of regular customers were now thinking that Jongdae was going out with either Yixing or Sehun or both.

 

Jongdae would often help the two boys or the other waiters when it was rush hour. He would help with the cleaning or waiting tables mostly. Eventually, when one of the staff members resigned unexpectedly, the manager asked Jongdae if he wanted to get a real, paid job. Jongdae had accepted right away. He was still doing a lot of cleaning but he was now also preparing drinks, counting the inventory and operating the cash register. It was fun but what Jongdae loved the most was communicating with the customers. He quickly became the café’s mascot – known for his funny faces, cute drawings, over-the-top hand gestures and most of all, his kitten smile.

 

Jongdae really liked his busy, enriching life: his two part-time jobs, his volunteering work, his hanging out with old and new friends, even his accountant studies.

 

*

 

Nothing in particular could explain why he had decided to look up Byun Baekhyun’s name that night of June 2013. They had not played one of his songs at the café – Jongdae didn’t think they had at least. He may not know anymore the singer’s latest hits but he knew he would still recognize that voice anywhere. Jongdae didn’t see any new ad with the idol’s face on it. No one talked about soulmates at the café. No, there really was no trigger.

 

Jongdae had just powered on his computer and looked at the latest news on Byun Baekhyun out of the blue.

 

His March album was a commercial success. He was preparing a repackage album and a concert now. He was offered a small part in a drama. He was an SNS sensation, with fans trending his name every time a big event came up. So far, his 6-year debut anniversary and his 21st birthday were the most hashtagued this year. He had won Daesangs at most of last year’s and the previous year’s award shows. His superstar status was truly established.

 

Jongdae went on to look at a few performances. He knew Byun Baekhyun had always been one of the most poignant singers of his generation but the ballad he sang at most of these shows was truly on another level. He was exuding a pain almost palpable. His eyes closed for most of the performances. When they did open, it was only to be shown brimming with unshed tears.

 

Jongdae wasn’t sure he liked it. He had been avoiding anything Byun Baekhyun-related for the past 2 years but that didn’t mean he wanted the guy to be in pain. Was Jongdae reading too much into this? Maybe it was just the idol being that good of a performer or maybe Jongdae was not used anymore to watching such raw performances. Jongdae still felt weird about the pain that seemed to radiate from him. Didn’t he find his soulmate? Shouldn’t he be happy now?

 

Jongdae couldn’t be stopped anymore. Old habits die hard. The next research entry was on the idol’s personal life. It was bringing Jongdae back to his time as an obsessed fan. In the search bar, he typed “Byun Baekhyun” and “soulmate”. The results were numerous but a few titles grabbed Jongdae’s attention.

 

 _“Singer Byun Baekhyun still doesn’t want to talk about soulmates,”_ revealed the latest article from  Seoulmate.co.kr, published two days earlier in June 22nd, 2013. Jongdae clicked on it only to be met with bold letters in the middle of the text: _“a lot of fans accuse Superstar Baekhyun of lying about his soulmate bond for marketing purposes”_. Jongdae didn’t bother with reading the whole post. This was obviously click-bait. He also didn’t like the anti attitude the article was taking. Salty much?

_“Who is Baekhyun’s mysterious soulmate? What we know so far,”_ was what Jongdae saw next in the list of links. He hesitated but finally didn’t go on the website. Another click-bait.

_“Was Baekhyun rejected by his soulmate?”_ Click-bait.

_“A staff member reveals all: ‘we receive thousands of letters a day of fans claiming they are Baekhyun’s soulmate’”_ Not really news-worthy.

_“Will Superstar Baekhyun ever find his soulmate? Why his status may play against him,”_ Jongdae wavered before deciding against reading this article. It was coming from a website more specialized in buzz and gossips than in actual news. Jongdae would learn more mistruth than anything here even if the title didn’t seem too bad.

The article Jongdae eventually decided to read was titled _“Lights’ stance on Baekhyun’s soulmate”_. It was released by one of Byun Baekhyun’s biggest fan sites. The Lights _–_ his fandom, also known as _Aeries_ – would generally transit by bthelight.co.kr before any other news website whenever they wanted real news on their idol. Jongdae used to not only follow that website but also have a membership. He used to be one of the comment moderators. He had abandoned them so suddenly – citing as a leaving reason that he couldn’t accept the fact that Byun Baekhyun had a soulmate. It wasn’t exactly the truth and at the same time, it actually was. The other mods had been understanding. They had expected a lot of fans to leave the fandom after the announcement.

 

Jongdae was feeling proud of their dedication while he read the article. They were asking other Lights to be mindful of Byun Baekhyun’s wish to not talk about his soulmate anymore. The idol had visibly been down for the last year and a half. They suspected that it was related to his soulmate – either the idol still couldn’t find him or he really had been rejected. In any case, the Lights would respect the idol’s private life as well as his soulmate’s. The mods were encouraging other Lights to report sasaengs fans and to keep on supporting Byun Baekhyun so he knew he still had his loyal fans. _‘Remember that we just want him to be happy, whether he is or not with his soulmate,”_ concluded the post.

 

**He really hasn’t found his soulmate yet?**

 

Was he sad about it? Thinking about the performances he had just watched, Jongdae knew that yes, Byun Baekhyun was sad. There was a whole new level of emotions to these stages. It was not a singer trying to convey the meaning of a song through his intonation and expressions. It was a singer bleeding his heart out. It was too raw to be forged emotions.

 

Was it really because of his soulmate situation? Thinking about all the articles that seemed to claim that Byun Baekhyun had not found his soulmate, Jongdae knew that, yes it was because of that. The guy had been outspoken about his desire to meet his soulmate his entire career. He had not been afraid of losing fans over it. Him not talking anymore about it was evidence enough of his state of mind.

 

But why wasn’t Baekhyun doing anything about it then? If he had wanted to find his soulmate, why didn’t he just use his dreams as guide to find him – just like any other soulmate would do? Jongdae knew for a fact that the slightly older male could now hear his soulmate’s voice clearly. Or… perhaps Byun Baekhyun did find that person and he had been rejected.

 

Jongdae could not fathom a world where someone would reject the idol.

 

He sighed as he thought back to the time when he would pull all-nighters watching Byun Baekhyun’s antics in variety shows. This guy was made to laugh and entertain people. He was not an emo ballad singer. He was a great, emotional performer of course but…being miserable all year long wasn’t who he was. Jongdae may not be as supportive as Lights but he did care. To him, “Byun Baekhyun” and “sad” should not go together in the same sentence. He, too, wanted the idol to be happy.

 

Should Jongdae do something? Reach out to him? He may not be Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate but he did have a bond of sort with him. It was most likely a platonic one but maybe the idol needed him.

 

However, Jongdae didn’t have voice-dreams anymore. Even in the slight chance that he could reach out to the superstar, what would he explain to him?

 

**I used to dream about you but now I don’t anymore. You seem sad, are you okay? Do you need a friend?**

 

Jongdae quickly set that thought aside and went on with his evening. Byun Baekhyun would surely find a way to get to his soulmate. Jongdae didn’t have to worry about it, did he? This was THE Byun Baekhyun after all. Jongdae had been privy to enough of his thoughts to know the guy never gave up.

 

**Go and find your soulmate. Even when you fall or fail, you always get up so why give up now? Shouldn’t you try until you know you’ve done everything in your power to reach him?**


	5. Part V

Sometimes, it was when you least expect something to happen that it did happen. Jongdae would have never thought, in a thousand years, in a billion years that he would see him with his own two eyes. 

 

It was like he had actually lost his hearing too. It was like his brain refused to work. It was like his heart had forgotten how to beat.

 

The Principal tapped his pencil on the desk to draw back Jongdae’s attention to him. He was speaking but Jongdae really couldn’t comprehend anything.

 

“Hi!” said a voice on his left, which prompted his head to turn on its own. “I am Byun Baekhyun but please, call me Baekhyun, I heard we were the same age.”

 

Jongdae’s eyes widened. This voice. He had heard it as a toddler’s voice in his dreams, high and bubbly. He had heard it as a teenager’s voice, going lower and lower. He had heard it through his TV speakers, through his headphones. So emotional. But nothing could have prepared Jongdae to hearing it in real life. Both bright and deep. Clear and raw. Enticing and composed.

 

Nothing could have prepared Jongdae for this day.

 

This guy had a mole near his lips. His brownish hair was falling in front of his right eye, his fringe a little too long. He bit his lip with his pearly teeth, seemingly anxious. He gave a slight bow, before straitening up, waiting for Jongdae to do something. His eyes.

 

It was like the dark orbs were implanted in Jongdae’s mind. He had never seen such expressive eyes before. Nervousness, fear and relief, these were the few things Jongdae could read before he settled on looking at the floor. His own eyes were burning.

 

The Principal tapped the desk again and, this time, Jongdae realized that he was supposed to introduce himself too.

 

He looked back at Byun Baekhyun, Baekhyun, the singer, the idol, the superstar. The superstar who was right now in his former high school. In the Principal’s office. With Jongdae. In the same room.

 

His hands were trembling while he signed, he couldn’t look at the other’s eyes anymore. The wall behind him was far more interesting at any rate.

 

<Hello, I am J-O-NG-D-AE, Jongdae>

 

Jongdae felt stupid. Obviously the idol wouldn’t know sign language. He shouldn’t have even bothered spelling his name. He was shocked however when Baekhyun answered in kind with an unsure smile.

 

<I am B-AE-K-H-YU-N, hello>

 

The Principal was clapping his hands, congratulating the singer. Jongdae’s stare wouldn’t leave Baekhyun’s hands. The long and delicate fingers had signed…signed! Jongdae’s gaze went back up to the idol’s face, still not quite looking at him in the eyes.

 

This guy wasn’t wearing make-up. Someone who was not used to the idol may not have recognized him. But Jongdae had always preferred his bare face. He had another mole on his temple. In theory, Jongdae had spent enough time stanning Baekhyun to know the singer’s moles as well as he knew his own moles. In effect, seeing them in real life was like noticing them for the first time.

 

The Principal was talking again without getting a reaction from his former student. When he realized that, once more, Jongdae was not listening, he resorted to signing.

 

<Jongdae, I do not know what is happening to you but do not forget that you can actually hear! We are waiting for your reply.>

 

<I apologize, Principal. I was shocked when I first got here and saw…him… What did you ask me early?>

 

The Principal sighed before signing everything he had previously said <Byun Baekhyun here is one of our biggest benefactors. He would like to raise awareness on deafness and sign language. For his next concert, he wishes to learn sign language and have a few performances where he signs and sings at the same time. The concert is in 4 weeks and he did not know who to turn to at such short notice. He personally came to ask for our help.>

 

<But what am I doing here? I am not a teacher.> stated Jongdae.

 

<Jongdae, you have been volunteering for a couple of years now. The kids at the clubs love you. They actually prefer your sessions to going to class. I thought it would be best that you, instead of an older teacher, do this. You two are the same age and you have more free time than our regular teachers have.> The Principal assumed.

 

<But->

 

<Baekhyun actually requested a teacher who would be able to go to his company regularly to teach him in the shortest period of time. None of our teachers can do that. I will tell the students you will not be able to come at club meetings as often. I am going to ask Minseok to come more if needed.> The elder interrupted.

 

“Er, you are signing a little too quickly so I can’t understand anything but, Jongdae-sshi, it would be most helpful to me if you could take some time to teach me. I will pay you of course.”

 

<Jongdae, call me Jongdae. You don’t need to pay me>, Jongdae replied in the general direction of Baekhyun. He belatedly realized, for the second time that day, that Baekhyun would surely not understand his signing.

 

He was again surprised when Baekhyun said, “Ok, only Jongdae then. It’s nice to meet you. I insist on at least giving you something in return for your time”.

 

Jongdae didn’t know what to reply to this. He didn’t want to be paid. He didn’t want to do this. This was too sudden. He was not ready. Only two days ago, he had randomly looked Baekhyun up online again and now the idol was in front of him. That was beyond Jongdae’s understanding of the world.

 

<You said he was one of our donators, when did he start donating?> Jongdae asked the Principal, trying to buy himself some time.

 

<A little over a year, I believe. His donations have enabled us to take in more students on scholarship. You know how hard it may be for parents to send their children here.>

 

Jongdae tried to convince himself this was just a coincidence. He failed.

 

<We owe that much to him. It will only take you a few hours a week for a month. He has apparently been learning sign language on his own. He is not a total rookie. He just needs help with translating some of his songs. It will not be that differ->

 

A beep could be heard inside the room.

 

“I’m sorry. My manager is telling me to go back to the car now. It seems a few fans have already noticed I was here. I should go before too many come.”

 

<Then, why didn’t you just send one of your staff members here?> Jongdae couldn’t help asking. A lot of things did not make sense at all.

 

Baekhyun looked at Jongdae with a confused expression. Visibly, his understanding of sign language had not enabled him to catch what Jongdae was trying to convey. Seeing this, the Principal translated for the idol.

 

“I wanted to come and greet my new teacher,” Baekhyun said, with a slight blush and shifty eyes. Then, after a pause he added: “Can you come with me today? Or is it too last minute?”

 

Jongdae’s eyebrows rose. When did he agree to do this?

 

Surely, there was a serious case of miscommunication inside the Principal’s office as he heard the latter tell the idol, _on Jongdae’s behalf_ , that Jongdae was free to go.

*****

Jongdae wondered if he was being kidnapped. That was a ridiculous thought. Between him and Baekhyun, the idol had more chances of ending up in a situation like this. But at the same time, Jongdae was presently in a car with a renowned celebrity who had, sort of, spirited him away from his former high school in total accordance with said school’s Principal. Jongdae had no idea where he was going. The car doors were locked – they had automatically done so when the car engine had fired up. And, most importantly, Jongdae had no means of communication: he couldn’t talk and he didn’t have his phone with him. His phone was resting at the bottom of the backpack that Baekhyun had very helpfully put in the trunk of his car when they had first reached it. Jongdae had been too dazed to realize he was handing over his only way out when he let Baekhyun store his bag.

 

If he had been able to talk, Jongdae would have asked his kidnapper where they were going because it was certainly not to the idol’s company. Instead of driving them towards Gangnam, Baekhyun was seemingly bringing them to the suburb areas of the capital.

 

The second question Jongdae would have asked was where Baekhyun’s previously mentioned manager was. Jongdae had been urged to fellow Baekhyun because some fans had supposedly found his location. Except that when Baekhyun’s silver and window-tinted Bentley came into sight, neither fans nor manager were around. Obviously, Jongdae was already seated and fastened when that reality sunk in.

 

The third question Jongdae would have asked might have been about the singer’s true intentions. Jongdae wasn’t really sure he wanted to know the answer to that question. There was just one thing Jongdae was absolutely certain about: this was not a coincidence. Jongdae didn’t know where he had gone wrong in all his previous assumptions on Baekhyun and on soulmates and on himself but he knew for sure that Baekhyun wasn’t here just to get sign language lessons.

 

The tension in the car was thick. The only thing that was breaking the silence was Baekhyun’s phone, ringing at regular intervals. Its owner wasn’t saying anything, focused on the road and maybe on his own thoughts too.

 

Jongdae stared at the driver’s side profile. Was there any part of this guy that was flawed? Jongdae was used to seeing him through a screen. He used to tell himself that Baekhyun had such good complexion because of make-up or photoshop or good lightning. Having him right in front of his eyes, Jongdae couldn’t help but think that this guy was on a level of his own in terms of natural beauty. He didn’t have the same glamorous aura that he had with all his idol glitter, but he did exude this natural charm that was actually more attractive and lethal than all the glitters in the world.

 

As Jongdae’s heart started to beat faster than it already had been, the tension intensified. Jongdae had never wished to hear Baekhyun’s voice as much as he did at this instant. _“Please, say something. I don’t care that I can’t reply to you, just say something,”_ Jongdae thought. Of course, Baekhyun didn’t get the telepathic message. He didn’t utter a single word until they reached their destination, 25 minutes later.

 

Baekhyun parked his car in the garage of a three-storey house. Jongdae didn’t have to be a genius to get that it was his house. If he remembered correctly, the singer owned a couple of these in addition to an apartment in Seoul. Jongdae didn’t know where they were exactly but he guessed it was a secluded and well-guarded area. They had passed a few roadblocks on their way here. Jongdae reckoned Baekhyun was not the only celebrity living in this town.

 

*

 

“You can seat wherever you want. I’m going to get us something to drink. Is there anything you want in particular? Water? Coke? Iced coffee? Orange juice?”

 

Jongdae stared at him. If he didn’t know better, he would believe this was just some regular social call with the host offering beverages to the guest. Baekhyun waited a few seconds for Jongdae to indicate what he would prefer drinking. Seeing no reaction except bewilderment, he gave up and went to a corridor that most likely led to a kitchen.

 

Jongdae remained in the white-themed living-room, looking at the leather couches, the plush carpets, the novel-and-trophy-filled bookcases, the grand piano, the dark coffee table, the paintings and sketches on the walls that may or may not have been very expensive – Jongdae wouldn’t know. The place seemed like a rich person’s seldom-used house: luxurious, efficient and disaffected.

 

“I don’t come here often,” said Baekhyun, in reply to his thoughts. “The housekeeper is more the owner of this house than I will ever be I think.” He continued, bringing a tray with several drinks to the coffee table. He sat in front of it and invited Jongdae to do the same. “I didn’t know what you liked so I brought a few different things”.

 

Jongdae sat on the armchair the farthest from Baekhyun but still close enough to the coffee table. He looked at the various soft drinks and opted for water. As he drank some, two details stroke Jongdae. First, he hoped Baekhyun was not crazy enough to drug him. Second, he belatedly realized that he missed the perfect opportunity to escape while he had been too busy paying attention to everything but the fact that he was alone in the room.

 

“I know this is sudden. I am really sorry I brought you here without your formal consent-”

 

 _At least you know that much_ , Jongdae would have interrupted, if not for his impaired speech apparatus. He put back the glass on the coffee table and crossed his fingers on his lap, waiting.

 

“I know this is uncomfortable for you…” Baekhyun paused a little to look at him. Jongdae tried to relax his features but he knew he must still have the same dazed expression his face took on when he first entered the Principal’s office after being called in.

 

“I don’t really know where to start.” Another pause. If Baekhyun thought Jongdae could help him there, he was in for disappointment.

 

“I didn’t plan any of this. I only sent a text to my manager a few hours ago to let him know I was going to get to my sou…you. That’s why he’s been texting me worriedly the whole afternoon.”

 

Jongdae looked at his hands, on his lap. They were twitching. He really wanted to sign. Signing was second nature to him. But it would be useless here. It was obvious that Baekhyun had learned some signs but certainly not enough to understand all the questions Jongdae wanted to ask. Being unable to communicate was really frustrating…

 

…Or not! Jongdae almost face palmed. How stupid could he be? It was not his first time being unable to communicate with a non-signing hearing person. What did he normally do when he wanted to communicate with someone? He would use his notebook or his phone to write what he wanted to say! He even had his dry erase board since he had intended to conduct a club meeting today. All of these items were in his backpack… which was still in the trunk of the car.

 

Jongdae brusquely stood up. He needed to get to the car. Not even sending a glance Baekhyun’s way, he set off in search of the basement car park.

 

“Wait,” Baekhyun was crying out, hot on Jongdae’s heels. “I just want us to talk! Please, Jongdae. Jongdae!” But unfortunately for Baekhyun, Jongdae had decided to use his selective hearing for the nth time of the day.

 

Jongdae got to the car in record time, proud of himself for remembering the way.

 

“If you want to leave that much… I will drive you back,” Baekhyun whispered once he reached Jongdae. “I truly never intended to get you here without your consent. I just thought that we needed a safe place to talk without anyone interfering...”

 

Jongdae stared at him with insistence while pointing at the car trunk.

 

“What…?” began Baekhyun before he apparently remembered Jongdae’s backpack was inside the trunk. Luckily for both of them, Baekhyun had kept his car keys in his pocket after he had automatically closed the car door.

 

“Here you go,” he said while handing the backpack to its owner. Jongdae nodded as thanks and went in the direction of the stairs. It took several steps for him to realize the other wasn’t behind him. He stopped.

 

Baekhyun finally caught up with him, a notebook in his hands.

 

*

 

Jongdae was feeling better now. This was familiar territory. He had finally acquired a means of communication. Between his phone, his notebook and his board, he chose the latter. He still left his phone on the coffee table, just in case he needed it for longer sentences.

 

/ _You don’t really need me to tutor you, right?_ / Jongdae first wrote. He felt a little dumb for writing a question to which he already knew the answer but the other main question that he had was “ _Am I your soulmate?_ ” Jongdae didn’t think it was the best way to start off this conversation.

 

“Not really,” was the reply. “At least, not right now. In the future, your help will be more than welcomed. I have been studying sign language for a while now but it’s always easier to learn with someone. I want to be able to understand everything you sign… I mean…” Baekhyun had an awkward chuckle. “If you want me to understand you of course.”

 

/ _How much can you understand?_ / Jongdae wrote next.

 

Baekhyun blushed, “earlier, I could understand most of what your Principal and you were signing.” Jongdae’s mouth opened wide. His board fell on the coffee table.

 

<You actually can understand sign language!> Jongdae signed, heatedly. He had felt so isolated earlier, believing that he had no way to make himself understood. The rascal had been able to understand him all along. Jongdae shouldn’t have bothered with looking for his board or phone.

 

Quickly, Jongdae’s irritation was replaced with wonder. Baekhyun had actually learned sign language! Learned it to a point where he could follow a conversation between two people who were used to signing.

 

“I do… I understand a little,” Baekhyun confirmed.

 

<This is not just a little…> Jongdae started before changing topic. <You should call your manager and tell him where you are. He must be worried>

 

Jongdae had not heard the phone ring since they had gotten here but he supposed it was because Baekhyun had put it on silent mode between the moment he had gone to the kitchen and the moment he had come back.

 

“You…you’re right of course,” Baekhyun’s tone sounded like a child’s after being scolded. Jongdae couldn’t help grinning at that thought. This Baekhyun was cute.

 

The idol stared at the smiling lips with awe, a smile of his own appearing. He then seemed to remember he was given a mission and grabbed his phone.

 

Jongdae finished his water and took some sparkling, pink drink next while he was waiting for Baekhyun’s call to end. Somehow, between the instant he had first met Baekhyun, a couple of hours ago, and this instant, his heart had stopped acting up. He felt a little more comfortable. This was not his ideal kind of situations but it wasn’t too bad. If Jongdae was honest with himself, he would admit that a feeling of anticipation and excitement had started to build up inside him.

 

Baekhyun cleared his throat to bring Jongdae’s attention back to him.

 

“They are not too happy back at the company,” he related. “I was supposed to be practicing the new songs for the concert and the repackage album. They are okay with me staying here till tomorrow morning though.”

 

Jongdae nodded. Staying here till the next day. With the idol. No, with Baekhyun. Was he ready for this? Did he want this?

 

Their gazes locked. This time, none of them tried averting their eyes. Baekhyun really had beautiful eyes.

 

Jongdae wondered what Baekhyun was thinking about his own eyes… about his all _him_ actually. Was he disappointed by his appearance? Did he think Jongdae would be taller? Darker? Lighter? Bigger? Slimmer? For the first time, Jongdae realized that he had had a huge advantage compared to Baekhyun. Not only had he known Baekhyun all his life, in the dreams realm at least, but Jongdae had also been able to follow Baekhyun through screens for years. Jongdae knew far more about Baekhyun than the latter knew about him.

 

Jongdae had no reasons to be afraid. Or rather, he had fewer reasons to be worried than Baekhyun had. In this situation, he was actually way more prepared than Baekhyun was.

 

With some delay, Jongdae appreciated that in his mind, he had started to identify himself as Baekhyun’s soulmate again. Was it wrong?

 

Baekhyun was eventually the first to break eye contact as he took the notebook he had brought back from the car. He handed it to Jongdae: “I want to show you something.”

 

Jongdae sent him a puzzled look before opening it. From the first page, he instantly understood what the purpose of the notebook was. He used to have one very similar. If he had wanted an answer to the question he had been too scared to write early, it was right here, between the pages.

 

 

 **“Night between May 5 th and May 6th, 2011”** was the first entry of the notebook.


	6. Part VI

*******

**Night between May 5 th and May 6th, 2011**

Beautiful, unidentified song

**Night between May 8 th and May 9th, 2011**

Beautiful, unidentified song

**Night between May 9 th and May 10th, 2011**

Beautiful, unidentified song

**Night between May 10 th and May 11th, 2011**

Imagine, John Lennon

**Night between May 12 th and May 13th, 2011**

Beautiful, unidentified song

**Night between May 13 th and May 14th, 2011**

Drunken Truth, Kim Dongryul

***

 

The notebook was cataloguing all of Baekhyun’s dreams about his soulmate, from the first to the latest. All of his dreams about _Jongdae_. It was so similar to what Jongdae had done, back then, when he had learned about Baekhyun’s existence.

 

The first entries were not very lengthy. Baekhyun couldn’t hear Jongdae clearly back then. It was only songs and poems Baekhyun couldn’t identify most of the times.

 

What made Jongdae choked up started from October 11th, 2011.

 

*******

**October 11 th, 2011**

I’m always appearing in your dream

We were always together

When I see you, who is like an innocent child

I start to laugh too for no reason

I’m going crazy, I wanna be greedy

Even holding you and telling you I love you

It’s funny, when morning comes you won’t remember

I’m afraid I’ll be forgotten

 _ ~~Unidentified poem~~_ lyrics written by Kim Jongdae

**Night between October 13 th and October 14th, 2011**

“It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts…”

***

 

Jongdae’s eyes were tearing up. That night had been the last time he had dreamed about Baekhyun.

 

Yet, the diary didn’t end here.

 

***

**Night between October 25 th and October 26th, 2011**

“Please, stop invading my dreams”

**October 31 st, 2011**

“I am not Byun Baekhyun’s soulmate”

**Night between November 3 rd and November 4th, 2011**

“Then is it okay if I like you?”

“It hurts”

**November 10 th, 2011**

“Can you hear me?”

**November 22 nd, 2011**

“That voice. I know this voice”

**Night between November 26 th and November 27th, 2011**

“So stupid. Just stop dreaming now. It’s time to wake up.”

**Night between November 28 th and November 29th, 2011**

 “It hurts”

*******

Jongdae was reading, his eyes blurred by the tears that had slowly started to fall. Some thoughts he remembered having, some he didn’t remember at all. There was no chronological order. Jongdae guessed Baekhyun must have been very confused at first.

 

When he looked at the dates, Jongdae noticed that starting from November 26th, Baekhyun had been able to hear him almost every night. If Jongdae recalled clearly, it had been the time when he had started going more often to his former high school. He had gone back to sleeping most nights - not noticing yet that he couldn’t hear Baekhyun anymore.

 

Jongdae could see that in some parts, Baekhyun’s handwriting was not as neat, as if his fingers had been trembling while he was writing.

 

 **“Am I not good enough for him?”** was one instance when it happened. It was last year, when Jongdae had had his second soulmate epiphany. He felt a little embarrassed to know that his self-doubts had been carried Baekhyun’s way.

 **“I will never sing with him.”** Jongdae didn’t remember thinking that but his unconscious mind must have. While he had spent so much time repressing his thoughts, they must have been storing themselves in that part of his brain – a part that could so easily reach out to Baekhyun.

 

In other pages, the pen tip had almost went through the paper because of how hard Baekhyun had been pressing the pen down – undoubtedly upset by what he was documenting. **“I am happy I am not his soulmate.”** Jongdae felt particularly guilty about that one. **“This is really over now. No more soulmate dreams. No more Byun Baekhyun. Only Kim Jongdae.”** So, Baekhyun knew Jongdae had stopped dreaming about him.

 

There were pages and pages of dreams. It would take hours to read them all. Jongdae didn’t actually need to read them anyway. They were his thoughts after all. He never intended for Baekhyun to know any of them. But he would be the most hypocrite person in the world if he dared feel upset about it. He had been hearing Baekhyun’s thoughts, Baekhyun’s life, his entire life except for the last year and a half.

 

Jongdae’s tears fell even harder. Baekhyun had only wanted to meet his soulmate. When he finally got to hear him, it was only to have him reject their bond.

 

 Jongdae had rejected their bond.

 

He had been the one who had rejected Baekhyun. He had been the one who…who made Baekhyun miserable.

 

Baekhyun had brought him strength his whole life but he…Jongdae didn’t even reciprocate. No, he went his own way, discarding Baekhyun because it was easier.

 

Jongdae’s tears were starting to water down the ink on the paper. A hand gently took the notebook from his and put it on the coffee table.

 

Baekhyun had not said anything from the moment Jongdae had started reading. He had sat on the coffee table, right in front of Jongdae – moving aside Jongdae’s drinks and phone and whiteboard. His stare wouldn’t leave Jongdae.

 

Jongdae chanced a glance at Baekhyun.

 

“Jongdae, please don’t cry,” despite him saying that, Jongdae could see how Baekhyun’s own eyes were teary too. “I didn’t… I didn’t show you this to upset you. I… I just wanted to prove to you that you really are my soulmate.”

 

He had said it. What Jongdae had feared. No, what Jongdae used to fear.

 

<I am so, so, so sorry. I did not mean…> Jongdae’s fingers were shaking too hard, it was difficult to go on. <I am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or for you to feel rejected.>

 

<It’s okay> Baekhyun signed back, which only contributed to making Jongdae cry harder.

 

<How?> _did you find me?_

<Why?> _didn’t you say anything to me?_

Jongdae didn’t know how to ask his questions but Baekhyun still understood.

 

*

 

I always knew I had a soulmate. Now, I know why. You and I were already connected. I didn’t know it yet.

 

*

 

There were two things that I really wanted in my life: meeting you and becoming an idol. I just didn’t realize that the two may be hard to conciliate.

 

It’s only when I could finally hear you talk to me that I realized I may have made a mistake.

 

I don’t regret becoming a singer. I do regret ever mentioning you. I should never have put you in this situation. Being in the spotlight was my dream. It wasn’t yours. And by telling the whole world about you, I forcefully put you in that position. I never really thought about the pressure I was putting on you.

 

If I could go back in time, I would erase that first interview. But, above all, I would never have that press conference.

 

You may think I’m upset at you but I am not. I’m more upset at myself.

*

There are a lot of things I didn’t understand at first. You didn’t talk to me before your 19th birthday. Only songs. When you did talk, it was really confusing to me. You talked about me a lot. About how much you didn’t believe that you were my soulmate.

 

I couldn’t understand why.

 

And I could feel how much it was hurting you. I wanted to go to you and tell you I really was your soulmate but there was absolutely no clue in your dreams.

 

Until that night. “Kim Jongdae”. I loved the sound of it right away. But I couldn’t really enjoy finally knowing your full name. You said it was over. I got scared. I didn’t know it was possible for a soulmate bond to break. I didn’t know one could reject his soulmate that way. I could still hear you but you obviously couldn’t hear me anymore.

 

It was like getting punch in the stomach. I was living everyday with this burden. Our bond was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it.

 

But at the same time, you letting go of me changed your dreams. It wasn’t focused on me anymore. You would talk about your family, and your friends, and your life in general. What you liked. What you hated.

 

Sometimes you would talk about me too, in passing. Not that often. You knew things about me that I had never told anyone.

 

I would try to piece back your life. Solve the riddle until I had enough clues to find you.

 

When I found out that you had never been able to speak. I finally understood. I also understood how I had unknowingly misled you to believe you weren’t my soulmate.

 

It became another huge shock to me to realize that you had actually been dreaming about me most of your life. A lot of things started to make sense just then.

 

It was really like puzzle pieces. Finally I could see the bigger picture.

 

I was really saddened at first by how good you were doing without me.

 

Gradually, I understood that it is your choice to make. You have to be the one to choose to be part of my life. I had to let you live your life because I knew I could not force you to be part of mine.

 

*

 

Jongdae, if you could hear your voice like I can, you would know that you actually have one of the most beautiful voices in the world.

 

*

 

I told my manager everything after a while.

 

Finding you became easy after you unconsciously revealed so many things to me. I had your name. I knew where you were from. I knew your brother’s name. I knew you volunteered at your former school. I knew you liked going to a café to work. I knew where you bought your groceries. I knew your closest friends’ names.

 

I couldn’t meet you though. My manager became my accomplice.

 

You are so beautiful, Jongdae. You are kind and hard-working and lively and strong and funny and so deep. How could you even think for one second that I wouldn’t want to be with you?

 

If you knew how jealous I was of my manager who could go to the café and see you. Of Minseok, whose name often came up in your dreams. Of Yixing and Sehun.

 

Watching you from afar has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Especially since I couldn’t see you with my own two eyes when I knew you were so very close.

 

But you were happy. I didn’t want to ruin everything.

 

I was ready to wait for you to accept our bond again.

 

Until, two days ago…

 

*

 

<I told you to go and find your soulmate> Jongdae concluded. His tears had slowly dried while he had been listening to Baekhyun.

 

“I know you didn’t mean it that way. I really wanted to wait for you to accept our bond. But I also wanted to be selfish and do just as you said. When I went to your school, it was only for a quick glance. I couldn’t risk paparazzi or fans to know about you. I saw you. And I got greedy.”

 

Jongdae nodded. They were soulmates indeed. They were a real pair of stalkers.

 

<Why did you not come to me instead of the Principal?>

 

Baekhyun laughed: “he caught me when I was trying to follow you inside. He thought I wanted to donate again. All these lies fell off my lips even before I understood what I was saying. I didn’t expect for it to actually work out and for you to end up here in front of me.”

 

Jongdae nodded again. Baekhyun was his soulmate. He smiled. Baekhyun wanted him. He closed his eyes and savored that feeling. That warmth, it was finally back.

 

<Thank you>

 

Baekhyun’s eyes widened. “Thank you?”

 

<Yes.>

 

“You are actually okay with this?” Baekhyun seemed to have a hard time expressing himself. Jongdae found it quite ironic that the singer resorted to signing: <I won’t be able to protect you. I don’t know what will happen from tomorrow onward.>

 

<Okay> assured Jongdae. He didn’t want to be scared anymore.

 

<Do you…what do you want Jongdae?>

 

<My soulmate> Baekhyun gasped at Jongdae’s definite reply.

 

“Jongdae.”

 

<I don’t know how much you have heard of my thoughts but I never doubted that you were my soulmate. Fine, I did a little bit at the beginning. But the truth is, I was only scared that you wouldn’t accept me. I do accept our bond. I want to be with you>

 

He did. Truly. He had meant it two days ago. He had still been in denial but he had meant it. He wanted to make Baekhyun happy. Because he fell in love with Baekhyun so long ago.

 

<I-want-to-be-with-you> Jongdae repeated.

 

Baekhyun was the one in a sobbing mess now. Jongdae had to stop signing to come closer to him and hug him in a way that would make even Sehun blush.

 

Jongdae led the two of them back to the armchair. It was a good thing they were both so tiny.

 

It took a while for Baekhyun to stop crying. Jongdae understood that he had insecurities of his own. He had to let that out somehow. He had been quite unhappy for a while now.

 

Jongdae had needed that one year without Baekhyun but he wished it had not been at the latter’s expense. He admired how selfless Baekhyun had been but he didn’t like how miserable it made him be. It was obvious that Baekhyun didn’t quite believe this was really happening. He was hugging Jongdae as if his life depended on it.

 

Jongdae extracted his arms from the tight hold.

 

<Is it okay if I also dream of you tonight?>


	7. Epilogue

Jongdae stirred a little in his sleep. He could feel Baekhyun leaving the bed. It was getting cold. Jongdae raised his head to see that his soulmate had deserted him entirely. The bedroom door was closing and he could hear the living-room light being switched on.

 

He looked at the alarm, it was only 4am. He still had plenty of time before he had to go back.

 

They were still laying low with their relationship. Jongdae was now in the habit of sneaking in and out from Baekhyun’s city apartment. Some fans already knew but no headlines about Baekhyun finding his soulmate were on the papers yet. That time would come eventually but Jongdae appreciated staying anonymous at the moment.

 

On his side, only Minseok and his family knew – although, he didn’t tell anyone it was THE Byun Baekhyun. His brother was assigned the mission (by their parents) to discover who The Soulmate was. But Jongdae was stubborn. His actual relationship with Baekhyun had started only 12 weeks ago. It was too soon to share him with all his family in addition to the whole world.

 

Jongdae yawned and proceeded to follow his soulmate.

 

He found him seated on the couch, a notebook in his hands.

 

<Please, don’t tell me you are still cataloguing our dreams> he signed once Baekhyun looked up at him.

 

Jongdae went to lie near him, in need of well-deserved cuddles. He had been prohibited from hugging anyone else so Baekhyun had to make up for it now. Baekhyun had not lied when he had said he was easily jealous. Jongdae’s dreams had never exposed this tendency of his. What a misleading advertisement! In reality, Jongdae found it quite endearing. He liked teasing the older about it.

 

Baekhyun didn’t reply as he went back to actively writing on the paper. Jongdae pecked Baekhyun’s neck, to draw back his attention to him.

 

<What did I say again this time?>

 

“Lyrics, they are really good. As usual with you.”

 

Jongdae sighed. That again! <You’re wasting precious hours of sleep to write lyrics?>

 

“That’s only because you are such a lazy bun who wouldn’t do it himself!”

 

Jongdae sent him a toothy smile: <You’re the one who is going to sing them anyways>

 

Baekhyun laughed and leaned in for a deep kiss, one hand in Jongdae’s hair and the other on his hip, notebook forgotten as it fell on the floor.

 

“By the way,” he whispered near his ear, “happy birthday.”

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU for making it till the end!  
> I’m really sorry if this was confusing. There were so many levels of communication that I myself was confused about how to differentiate them. If you have questions, please write them down in the comments and I will reply to them after Reveal Day.  
> I had so much more in mind for these two but time was playing against me. Hopefully, I will get to write more about this universe one day.  
> Lastly, Happy Bday Jongdae!  
> Disclaimer: the translation of “She’s dreaming” is from colorcodedlyrics.com


End file.
